If I was the GM of the Detroit Lions, I would turn them into a Super Bowl-winning team. Even if it meant I had to sleep with Owner Martha Ford to do so.

We’re currently living in Hell on Earth as Lions fans; We haven’t won a title since ’57, a playoff game since ’92, we lost our last nine games of the regular season, and in general, we are the laughingstock of the league. However, this isn’t something we aren’t used too, we’ve grown accustomed to Hell’s hot climate over the years of losing and the hellfire isn’t as bad as they say. But we don’t have to be the losers of the league, we just need something to get us out of this rut. Over the past 80 years, Lions fans have adopted a losing mentality that has ingrained itself into the DNA of the players, coaches, and front office of the organization. It’s to the point where I’m not even sure we are ever going to be Super Bowl Champions.

Unless… Martha Ford fires Bob Quinn as the GM of the Detroit Lions and I take his job. Sure, I might not have the resume of a Bob Quinn or anyone else who would apply for the vacancy — But let’s just say for the sake of this hypothetical, that in the job interview I prostituted myself out to Ford* and as payment, I was given the GM position.

*I’d do it for the Lions fans out there, but don’t call me a hero. I’m just a very lonely guy who has been pushed past the point of desperation (both sexually and as a Lions fan).

**Zips up pants and tucks dress shirt back into cackeys** — Now that we got that out of the way and I am now the GM, It’s time to get to work.

Alright, fine… One more round, Martha.

Okay, for real this time. The first thing I am doing has nothing to do with personnel at all, it’s a uniform and logo change.

Our jerseys for the past 20 years have been terrible, especially our color rush and home uniforms. I fully subscribe to the “look good, feel good, play good” mantra and if you are losing games, the first thing you should do before you make any X’s and O’s decisions, is to evaluate your uniforms. These are horrible and I’m not saying simply changing the uniforms and reverting back to our old logo is a cure all, but damnit, if you are going to suck, you might as well look good doing it.

The fact these are sponsored by Reebok makes them much worse.

The biggest change I would make to the uniforms would be to our helmets. I love the all silver throwbacks we wear from time to time and as one of the league’s oldest franchises (one of the only things going for us), I think we should make that our thing and fully embrace it with simpler uniforms and all silver helmets.

I was doing some research and there isn’t a single NFL team rocking the simple, all one color helmets. I think it is a missed opportunity we could capitalize on.

As for our logo, we need it to match our oldschool uniforms, so we will be reverting to our logo of the 1960s.

I think we can all agree that the 1970-2008 logo was maybe the worst in sports history. For the longest time (as a young kid) I had no idea what I was even looking at. Is that white dot the Lions eye? Are those two prongs sticking out his mouth? I’m still not entirely sure that it isn’t.

I like the logo we currently have and I Love (!) the Lions original logo with the man riding (?) the Lion, but to keep everything within the same theme, we’re completely changing our brand and using the logo frm 1961.

Next on my agenda, and again, it has nothing to do with the players or coaches (they aren’t that important), it has to do with Ford Field. We are going to take the roof off of Ford Field and turn it into an outdoor stadium.

The Detroit Lion fanbase is as blue-collar as they come and playing football inside a dome is the epitome of being white-collar. I don’t think Lions fans get the credit they deserve for how great they are, because we don’t have an outdoor stadium like a Buffalo or a Chicago. The shots of fans in the crowd wearing facepaint, eating hotdogs, and those silly Lions hats with their faces reddened from the cold would be a great visual. One we need both as viewers and as fellow fans.

We need to embrace our “Built Ford Tough” mentality and create our version of “Bear Weather” for the city of Detroit. By converting Ford Field from a dome to an outdoor stadium, not only will it improve the fan experience, it will also give our a mental players an edge over the competition, and it will give Patricia a reason to hold practices outside.

I’ve never been a big fan of Ford Field, it just isn’t a great spot to watch a football game. Granted, it has a great name, but that’s about all it has going for it and if we want to become winners, we have to stay true to who we are. We aren’t fancy people who like to watch football from a dome, we’re tough, Honolulu-blue collared people who don’t let the weather affect them.*

*I understand that uniforms and stadium reconstructions are not apart of my duties as GM, but let’s just say me and Martha have a pretty good relationship and she kinda lets me do what I want.

The first personnel decision we are going to make is firing Matt Patricia, but not just any old firing, an embarressing one. I’m thinking of something along the lines of USC’s firing of Lane Kiffin, when they cut him loose before he could step back on the plane and return home.

I don’t care if Patricia hasn’t had enough time to get things turned around, he showed me all I needed to see game one against the Jets last year, when they were able to figure out exactly what we were doing through our hand signals. Getting blown out by Sam Darnold and the Jets in his first game as an NFL QB is about as embarressing as it gets, even for the Lions. Since then, Patricia hasn’t shown me anything to change my mind and for someone who is a “defensive guru” and a “desciple of Bill Belichick”, his defenses have been historically bad. It’s not everyday that you hear an opposing QB say he had so much time in the pocket that there were times he went through his progressions twice and that he has never been so comfortable in the pocket in his entire life (Dak Prescott after torching the Lions for 3 tds and over 400 yards in a 2019 game).

After clearing out Patricia’s mini-fridge in his old office, I’m calling Lincoln Riley, Urban Meyer, and Dan Mullen with a blank check and doing everything in my power to get them to Detroit. If all three of them fall through, then I am walking with my tail between my legs back to Jim Caldwell* (who I never thought should have been fired in the first place) and begging him to come back.

*How spoiled were we? Complaing about consistent 8-10 win seasons… Unreal.

I’m not saying Jim Caldwell is the savior by any means, but he is a improvement over Patricia and he’s the best head coach we have had in 30 years!… Wow, is that sad.

Damn, he looks good in Lions gear.

The discussion around the Lions ever since we entered “tank-mode” has been centered around who we are going to draft with the number #3 pick. I haven’t felt strongly one way or another because whoever we drafted, Patricia would find a way to squander any potential the draft pick had. But now that he’s gone and we have replaced him with Meyer/Riley/Mullen/Caldwell/other-good-coach, we can now begin to focus on the draft — More specifically, drafting Jerry Jeudy in the first round and JK Dobbins or Johnathon Taylor in the second.

Jeudy (Alabama WR) showed me all I needed to see in one play against Michigan in the Citrus Bowl and despite wide receiver being our strongest position group, I think he will be a gamechanger in the NFL and we can’t afford to pass on him. Rather than wasting a draft pick on a linemen or some other boring position, I believe in strengthining our strength and turning this offense into one of the best in the league. With Jeudy joining Kenny Golloday and Marvin Jones Jr., we would have the best recievers in the league to pair with Stafford (who I beleive in). I understand this might not be the most pressing issue, but by drafting Jeudy we gurantee that at least this team will be fun to watch, which is more than we have been able to say in a long time.

In the second round, we would then turn our focus to runningback, a position we have struggled to fill for a long time. From 2005-2012, we had the longest streak in the NFL of seasons without a 1,000 yard rusher, before Reggie Bush broke the streak in 2013. Since then, again we have the longest streak of seasons without a 1,000 yard rusher (6 years).

Kerryon Johnson has been okay, but he just can’t stay healthy and I fully believe Dobbins and Taylor are capable of becoming a franchise back in the NFL. Both have impressed me with their play in college, especially Dobbins and if we can get him with a second round pick (which I was shocked to see that’s where he’s projected to land), I think it’s a steal.

By adding Jeudy and Dobbins to the offense, the Lions will become a fantasy football juggernaut and a fan favorite across the league, similar to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past year. At the end of the day, Football is just a form of entertainment and you can’t tell me watching these two guys play every Sunday wouldn’t be entertaining as hell…

I hate highlight tapes without music. The music is half of what makes a highlight tape good.

Finally, we are going into this offseason with over $50 million in spending money, which I am going to devote to improving our defense. Now that Patricia is gone, we will be blitzing players and applying pressure on the opposing team’s QB. I tried to get a clause in my contract that “we need to blitz at least 5 players on every play”, but Martha wasn’t willing to go that far.

We are going to target some of the bigger defensive free agents on the market with GURANTEED MONEY, which is a rariety in NFL contracts. By doing so, we will attract free agents and be able to add 2-3 guys that will significantly improve our defense (any of these guys will do).

Jadeveon Clowney would be at the top of my list.

Listen, I’m no hero. I’m just a forward thinker and instead of acting like other Lions fans who just complain about how bad the team is, I’m offering a solution. Me. I’m willing to do the dirty work it would take to turn this team around: I would be the first one in the building and the last to leave, I’d forget about my family life, I’d be a leader and a leader who knows how to follow, a team guy, I’d do the little things like going on coffee runs and taking lunch orders, and I’d do everything in my power to get this organization back on it’s feet. I’d even go so far to say that if we don’t win a playoff game within the first two years, I’ll resign and admit that I cannot save this franchise (no one can).

Thanks for hearing my sales pitch, I’m just going to leave my resume here for you.*

-Future Detroit Lions GM, Fats

*Umm could you point me to the neartest bathroom? Is it back the way I came? Just head out this door and turn right? and then it will be the second door on the left? Oh, the first door on the left… thanks!

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