The NFL season officially starts this weekend and with that, so does the Detroit Lions season, but I’m not excited. I’ve already punted (which the Lions do a lot) on this season as a Lions fan and it’s not because they aren’t going to be good, that’s an every year thing. It’s because this team has no heart. Head Coach Matt Patricia is everything that makes Belichick boring, but he doesn’t win games. Stafford is no longer the cool, hip, young gunslinger QB that wears his hat backwards, he’s now old, broken down, and has real life problems (prayers to the Stafford’s) which make the “Stafford debate” much less fun.
I remember thinking (as a 9 year old) Stafford was the coolest guy in the world because he wore his hat backwards on the sidelines. The day I knew that Stafford wasn’t a Super Bowl caliber QB was the day that he flipped his hat around.
Seriously though, as a Lions supporter have you ever been less enthused about a team as you are with this one? Even the ghastly 0-16 team in 2008 went 4-0 in the pre-season and had rookie Calvin Johnson to watch.
What could possibly get you excited about this group? Middle-tier running back Kerryon Johnson? F***ing TJ Hockenson? What about new wide receiver Danny Amendola, who is border line insane (see below)?
Can you imagine being the a good looking NFL player like Danny Amendola and losing your mind over a girl? Or just being a normal-average looking guy and losing your mind over a girl? PSYCHO.**Well, to be fair if my girlfriend looked like Olivia Culpo, I would probably go crazy too.
It’s no wonder that HBO’s ‘Hard Knocks’ wanted nothing to do with the Lions, they are nap-city and this season of ‘Hard Knocks’ would have been even worse than it already was (Jon Gruden was the only bright spot). This group of guys don’t have the “Heart of a Lion”, they don’t even have the heart of a mouse.*
*I don’t know if I like that metaphor, because I like to picture mouses as guys who are small in stature, but big in heart. Have you seen Ratatouille?
These fictional rodents have more heart than Ziggy Ansah.
Why am I so down on the Lions this year? Because I have finally realized a sad reality… The Lions are stuck in a state of perpetual losing and the only way to remain sane is to accept that we will never-ever-ever play in a Super Bowl. I know, I know… “But my dad promised that if the Lions ever make it to the Super Bowl we are going! No Matter the cost!” Why do you think he said that? Because he knows it’s never going to happen, that’s why he made that promise. It’s kinda ingenious in a way.
But the Lions Super Bowl chances is a discussion for another day, because this team isn’t even going to able to sniff Aaron Rodgers a** in the NFC North standings, let alone a Super Bowl.
Oh no, you still have hope for this season don’t you? Why do you continue to do this to yourself, Lions fans? Just let this team burn and dance on the ashes. Trust me, as someone who gave up on the Lions after *Looks through notes deciding on whether to pick the 0-16 season, selecting Eric Ebron in round one, Calvin Johnson’s retirement, Jim Caldwell’s firing, or Sam Darnold’s coming out party last year* Matt Patricia was hired, I can attest that my Sunday’s are much better than they used to be when I was watching the Lions get pounded week after week. So come to the dark side with me, it will feel as though a 500 pound weight had been lifted off your shoulders.
No longer would you have to spend your Sunday’s watching Ebron drop passes, Stafford throw terrible interceptions, Zach Zenner rush the ball, and Aaron Rodgers come from behind and beat us, again… Now we get to laugh at these moments and enjoy our Sunday’s, free of the Lions and free of pain.
Dump out that “Honolulu blue” kool-aid you are about to drink, because this year is going to be a doozy and we have Kyler Murray, Martha Ford, Bob Quinn, Matt Patricia, Stafford, the Lions schedule, & the worst offensive line in the league to thank for that.
Kyler Murray: Close your eyes and let me paint you a picture; The Detroit Lions pack their bags and head to Arizona for a 4:25 pm on Sunday vs. the Cardinals. It’s the first game for both head coach Kliff Kingsbury and rookie starting QB Kyler Murray. All of the United States is watching as Kingsbury and Murray put on an absolute offensive clinic and Murray has a “coming out party” as they beat the Lions 38-14, in impressive fashion. The following Monday, it’s all the sports talk show hosts can talk about. Skip Bayless goes as far to say that “this is the best debut for a rookie QB in… A year.” You can open your eyes now, feel like deja-vu? That’s because it’s exactly what happened last year with Sam Darnold. At this point, I am almost rooting for the Cardinals and Murray because of how great of a story it would be. Or at least, that’s what I tell myself so that I don’t get hurt, again.
Martha Ford: For those who don’t know, the Ford’s are the real reason that the Lions have been the doormat of the NFL for so long. While coaches, players, & GM’s have all been replaced over the past 56 years, the Ford’s have been the only constant. Well them and losing. In 2014, longtime owner Bill Ford died, but just when the Lions thought they might get some fresh blood into the building, his wife was given the reigns of the organization. Listen, I’m not a mysogonist, I’m just a realist, and something tells me that replacing the worst owner in league history with his wife isn’t exactly going to translate into wins. And I know this is low hanging fruit, but does she even know what football is?* She is 93 years old.
*“Look at that Barry Saunders fella run, he’s a hoot!” “Ma’am, that’s LeGarrette Blount.”
Bob Quinn: To be fair, I’m not sure how I feel about Bob Quinn, yet. He’s had some solid draft picks, including my favorite Lion Jarrad Davis, But I do know thing: He hired Matt Patricia. Need I say more?
Matt Patricia: This is really where all of the Lions problems rest, “Fatt” Patricia. Why do people keep ignoring Belichick’s former assistant coaches head coaching records? They are atrocious and did we not already learn that lesson from Jim Schwartz!? Apparently not, Bob. But look at the brightside: You can jump on “Matt Patricia as the first coach fired this year at +1000 odds”, that’s easy money, you’re welcome.
Matt Stafford: Oh Matty boy. I used to on the front lines defending your honor against other Detroit Lions fans, but after you basically forced Calvin Johnson into a wheelchair, flipped your hat around, and took a huge step back last year (3700 passing yards, 21 TD’s and 11 Ints), I finally switched sides. I don’t feel good about it, but you left me no other choice. However, I will look back on your days as a Lion fondly, and we will always have that one fake spike TD run vs. the Cowboys in 2013.
The Schedule: If Detroit doesn’t win week one vs. the Cardinals, you basically pencil us in for a 0-6 start to the season (see below). The only positive that comes with our schedule is that if we do start poorly, we can #tankForTUA for the remainder of the season. Not to mention, the NFC North is going to be vastly improved from last year with the Bears, Vikings, and Packers all taking a step forward.
The Lions Offensive Line: Remember last year when the Minnesota Vikings sacked Stafford 10 times in a 24-9 victory? Well, don’t expect anything different… The Lions gave up 9 sacks against the Patriots in their pre-season opener.*
*I get that the pre-season doesn’t matter, but if there ever was a bad omen for this offensive line, it was allowing nine sacks in pre-season game #1 when the focus was on “improving the offensive line” all off-season.
When I was a child, a fresh Lions season gave me hope, but not anymore. Somewhere along the line I lost all of my love for Lions and stopped believing in a “Lions Super Bowl”, just like I did with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, & the Tooth Fairy*… Because sometimes you just have to grow up and stop believing in fairytales.
*I still remember the moment I learned Santa was real. It was almost as harrowing as when I learned that the Lions had hired Matt Patricia.
Extra Credit: Enjoy. Detroit Don and Super-fan regaling us with “why they got kicked out of Ford Field.”