Should Captain Andrew Luck Be Arrested For His War Crimes After Deserting His Unit & Going AWOL From His Fantasy Teams? MY COLUMN:

Like many people, I heard the news of Andrew Luck’s retirement through the red ticker at the bottom of ESPN’s broadcast of the Miami vs. Florida College Football game.

Unlike many people, my first thought didn’t go to Andrew Luck’s health or the state of the Colts organization now that he was gone… It went to this:

Yes, that’s correct. The stupid “Capt. Andrew Luck” twitter page that people with walnut sized brains (myself included) think is absolutely hilarious. “Is he going to retire the account? I wonder if that guy is pissed? What will be his next tweet?*” Then it got me thinking, football players say all the time that “football is a metaphor for war” and if that’s true, then does that mean that Luck deserted his unit?

*You talk about an all-time pressure moment, that guy (I like to picture him as a just the biggest nerd in the world) has to deliver with a great tweet after that news and did.

I think it does and he should be locked up in the Lucas Oil “drunk tank” every Sunday for the rest of his life as penance.

Let’s take a look at some of his war crimes:

In 2016, Luck re-enlisted and signed a five-year, $122 million contract. By doing so, Luck signed a contract just like a American solider would and he made a commitment that he would play quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts every Sunday* up until the year 2021… Similar to how an American solider (Toby Keith) vows to fight on the frontlines each and every day. Luck signed the contract and metaphorically “re-enlisted” to five more years of football, not three and it just pains me to think of all the teammates he let down with his decision.

*I have long thought that all of the NFL’s games should be played on Sunday, just like how all of the college football games are played on Saturdays. I think the product is to spread out nowadays and for selfish reasons, I would love to have each and every one of my fantasy games decided by Sunday night.


When I think about that Colts roster, the first person who I feel sorry for is his former back-up QB, Jacoby Brissett. That guy had it MADE! Being a back-up QB in the NFL is an all-time gig and if you can get your hands on one, you should do everything in your power to retain it. Jacoby knew that and when he heard the news, you can just tell he shit his pants (see below).

I don’t blame him, if I was Jacoby, instead of working out I would have probably spent the entire offseason partying with Gronk. Why wouldn’t you? He wasn’t ever going to play with Andrew Luck on the team, but now with Luck retired, Brissett is going to have to start at quarterback for an entire season, which sounds like hell on earth to me. Especially when you see firsthand from Luck, the damage that can occur from getting tackled by 350 pounds of muscle every Sunday… I’d be shitting bricks.*

*Maybe this is why Brissett is in the NFL and I’m not, he may not be shitting bricks at the thought of being a starter in the NFL… But I can tell you one thing, there is no way in hell he wouldn’t rather be holding a clipboard than being tackled by guys who look like this:

Cleveland Browns Defensive End, Myles Garrett… Is he made of stone?

The third war crime that I find Andrew Luck guilty of is the betrayal of his fantasy owners who drafted him. This one might be the worst yet, how dare you Andrew screw over the 38 year old, balding, absentee father Mike’s fantasy football team called “Vick’s Dog Walking Service”! He spent $20 on his league entry fee and he wasted a fifth round draft pick on your traitorous ass. Riddle me this Andrew? How is he going to be able to look his son in the eyes after finishing last in his fantasy football league this year? How are you going to be able to sleep with that guilt on your conscience, knowing that you let down so many people who only care about whether you produce on the field or not?

It’s a damn shame the way that Luck let down his fantasy owners, but the people he really let down are Indianapolis Colts fans. Yes, the same ones who booed him into oblivion after learning that he retired.

It’s bullshit that everyone on twitter is getting on their high horse acting like they wouldn’t have booed Luck if they were in those stands. First, the majority of those people were probably hammered and if the quarterback of your favorite team suddenly retired… What would be your reaction?*

*I, of course, would not have booed Luck. I have class and I am extremely pious. However, if you got a few brews in me and I heard people booing, I probably would have joined in. It’s not everyday you get to “boo” someone.

That’s not even mentioning the fact that the Colts are going to pay Luck $24 million for retiring… Which is an absolutely preposterous move considering the Detroit Lions forced Calvin Johnson to give back $1 million dollars when he retired from the Lions.*

*This is bullshit, why wouldn’t the Lions just pay CJ2K? He was the only beam of light the Lions had for an entire decade, but instead, they would use that money to fund a 6-10 football team filled with players like Zach Zenner.

It’s truly unbelievable what Luck has done, it’s an incredibly selfish move from someone who I thought was a standup guy… How dare he retire from football after spending the last five years of his career going though rehab! How dare he hang up the cleats after getting his ass kicked for the past six years! How dare he stop entertaining me to care for his family and “travel the world”! HOW SELFISH!

Regardless, Andrew Luck’s retirement should be viewed as crime against football and he needs to serve his sentence of a lifetime of Sundays spent in the Lucas Oil “drunk tank”. It’s the only way he can repay the debts he owes his teammates, the Colts Organization, his army unit, and his fantasy owners. It’s only fair after the stunt that he pulled… That damn traitor.*

*My actual feelings? According to his fellow players and coaches, Andrew Luck is the nicest guy** in the world and they support his decision 100%… If they can support this decision, then I think the rest of us can as well. However, the fact that Luck is stepping away due to injury is kinda funny when you remember that one of the reasons he missed the 2017 season was because of a “snowboard accident“.

-Fats

**Everyone in the world has seen this video, but just incase you haven’t… This is why I’m going to miss Andrew Luck.

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