Jim Harbaugh… It’s Time To Figure It The F*** Out: Why Every Michigan Fan Should Demand A Big Ten Title In Harbaugh’s Fifth Season.

Where were you when Jim Harbaugh announced that he was returning home to coach Michigan? For Michigan fans, they know where they were. Just like how they remember where they were for “THE GAME” (2006)*, the first “Under the Lights” victory over Notre Dame in 2012, and…

the “trouble with the snap” play.

*Looking back on that game, should we still consider it “one of the best games of all time” knowing that Ohio State got railed 41-14 by Florida in the National Championship game a few weeks later? If you ask me, there should be a law that every Michigan/OSU states that before claiming how “legendary” that game was. Oh! And I almost forgot a fun fact: OSU QB Troy Smith gained over 20 pounds in one month (during the Heisman press tour) before the National Championship game. LOL.

I was at the dentist.

As a 15 year old, who had never had intercourse, hearing Harbaugh say “Throughout my life I have dreamed of coaching at the University of Michigan and now I have the honor to live it” was the closest thing I’d ever experienced to an orgasm.*

*Actually, that’s a lie. I knew my right hand pretty well in my teenage years (still do?).

That was five years ago and the sad thing is, when I think back on that day, I don’t look back on it fondly. I don’t see the joy of a teenage Michigan fan, I see a gullible loser.

Jim Harbaugh tricked us all in that press conference. He tricked us with the Jumpman (honorable where were you when ______ moment was when that Jordan gear dropped) gear, the trips across the country, and the big name recruits. But can you imagine if I had told you that four years into Harbaugh’s tenure at Michigan we:

  • Have a 2-7 record against our rivals MSU, OSU, and Notre Dame.
  • Zero CFP appearances.
  • Zero Big Ten titles.
  • Zero Big Ten title game appearances.
  • Zero BCS bowl game victories.

You would have called me “Brady Hoke refusing to wear a headset level crazy.” But yet, that’s where we find ourselves heading into year five of the Harbaugh “experiment”. Now granted, maybe we set the bar a bit too high for a school that hasn’t won a National title since 1997, in a conference that has only won one title in the last 16 years. However, that doesn’t matter now. However, I don’t give a shit about that when you are third highest paid coach in the country, earning $7.5 million dollars a year. THAT’S MY HARD EARNED TAXPAYER MONEY and when you make that much money (more than Dabo Swinney) you better be winning National titles, or at least Big Ten titles.

Also: Notice whose assistants get paid less than anyone in the top 8.

Which leads us to this year: Harbaugh’s “make or break” season. No, it’s not literally his “make or break” season, even if Harbaugh goes 6-6 this season, he will still be the head coach come next fall. HOWEVA (Stephan A. Smith voice) what will change is the trust and support Michigan fans have in Harbaugh. Once that’s gone, then I think we can start to light a little fire under Jim’s office chair.*

*For the record, I am opposed to firing Jim Harbaugh as long as he continues to win at least 8 games a year. I love how he keeps us constantly in the news and he makes things entertaining. Which is what football is for anyway… Entertainment.

Speaking of entertaining.

The stars have aligned for Harbaugh and the Wolverines to make the leap this season for a few different reasons:

  1. New coordinator Josh Gattis’s spread offense should suit Shea Patterson’s skill set well and with another year at Michigan, we can only expect that Patterson will improve on his 2,600 yard and 22 TD season from a year ago. Gattis’s RPO offense will 100% help Patterson run the ball and connect easier with playmakers like Donovan Peoples-Jones and Tarik Black. My only worry is that the control freak that is Jim Harbaugh won’t hand over full control of the offense to Gattis and if that happens, I hope you like full back dives!
  2. Offensively, we bring back almost every player other than Zach Gentry (who sucked and had a big time drop against OSU), Karan Higdon (balled out against shitty teams), and Juan Bushell-Beatty (lineman don’t matter).
  3. We have the #2 ranked class of incoming freshman. Which means this dude (pictured below) won’t have to play meaningful snaps against OSU again this year.
  4. We face Notre Dame, Michigan State, and Ohio State all at home.
  5. BRIAN LEWERKE(EEEEEEE) is MSU’s QB.
  6. URBAN MEYER IS GONE!
  7. URBAN MEYER IS GONE! (Yes, that’s really the only reason it’s our year. So I felt the need to post it, again.)
Dear god. I still don’t understand why we decided to wheel him out in the slot in the biggest game of the year. “Urban Meyer has no idea about our secret weapon.” – Jim Harbaugh (probably)

The writing is on the wall for Harbaugh this year… Win. Because if you don’t win this year, when will you?*

*As a Michigan slappy, I know the answer to that! Next year. And if not next year then the year after that… #InHarbaughWeTrust

-Fats

Made it this far? Enjoy this “New Era” highlight video of Shea Patterson:

Oh and this 😂😂😂:

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