I’m distraught. Only once in my life have I ever felt this disgusted, appalled, dejected, and just flat out embarresed…(1)
For some, receiving the phone call that school was cancelled on a snow day euphoric, but for me, it was a death sentence. Whenever there was a snow day, it basically meant that I was getting tortured for the next eight hours by my brothers until my mom came home. It was hell on earth.
One particular snow day, they must have been exceptionally bored, because they decided it would be fun to pin me down and put their hairy, sweaty, and shit riddled ass (2) on my nose. I still remember the horrid smell, the embarrassment I felt, and the welt that formed in my stomach. How could you forget it? (3) It was a feeling that I hoped I would never feel again…
- Thank you dictionary.com for the helpful synonyms!
- And I mean shit riddled… They must have just ate Chinese food. I’m dry heaving just thinking about it right now.
- I think it was Plato who said something like “you don’t ever forget the first time you have sex… Or the first time you have a booty placed on your face,” and I agree with that 100%.
Well that feeling returned Sunday, thanks to the Michigan basketball team.
I helplessly watched Michigan State waltz into the Crisler Center…
- Where Michigan hadn’t lost in over 411 days.
- With Nick Ward (4) and Joshua Langford out due to injury.
- With over 200 former Michigan basketball players in the house (the most ever).
- The same night Michigan unveils “sweet” new jerseys honoring the 1989 Championship team.
- The same night we are honoring the “#1 in the Big Ten football recruiting class at halftime.”
- On a day where the entire crowd is given “maize out” shirts.
And Cassius Winston, Tom Izzo, Matt McQuaid, and Thomas Kithier put their ass on Michigan’s face.
It was a complete shit-show, both literally and figuratively. Winston was a man amongst boys out there: Playing the entire game, making every decision like he’s James Harden, running the pick and roll like he’s Steve Nash (I loved that comparison by Raftery), filling it up like he’s Young Melo, dishing and handling the rock like he’s CP3, and without a doubt scoring (with Michigan girls) like he’s Wilt Chamberlain. (5)
Winston put up 27 points, eight assists, two steals, and two rebounds… But that doesn’t even begin to explain the impact he had on this game. Beilein literally said after the game that Winston’s performance “was the best he had ever seen in the Crisler” and he’s “seen some good ones.” Winston now owns the Crisler Center, it’s “the house Cassius built,” until further notice and that makes me want to puke.
4. Honestly, I think MSU was better off with Ward on the bench and I don’t think that’s a hot take. I wish I could have donated my wrist to Ward so that he could have suited up. Dude stinks, but for some reason Izzo loved slowing MSU’s pace with him on the floor. 5. Not only did Wilt score 100 points in a game, but he once claimed to have had “sex with 20,000 women in his lifetime.”
But that’s not even the tip of my anger ice berg, far from it… F***ing Thomas Kithier. Just listen to this interview.
Because Michigan shit the bed when the lights were the brightest, I now have to listen this shit? Just a complete blowjob session of Thomas Kithier!? I want to mock the reporter doing this interview, but how can I? Kithier played a good game and he deserves all the praise he is getting, but it should make Michigan fans sick. I don’t know about you, but watching Kithier send Iggy’s shot to the 12th row made me want to put a bullet in my brain. (6)
6. (After saying that, I feel the need to splice this in here) If you are struggling with depression, you are not alone. Contact someone for help!
Speaking of Iggy, thank you for pulling your weight. You stepped up to the plate as a freshman and delivered with 16 points and nine boards. Same goes for Zavier Simpson, despite letting Cassius run rampant, you played well, finishing with 19 points and five boards. As for the rest of the Wolverines? F***ing disgraceful.
Four points, zero assists, one rebound… Have yourself a god damn day Charles Matthews! Why is it that when we need you the most and the spotlight is on, you turn into “Charles Murphy” (losing to 5 foot 2 Prince in basketball)?
It’s inexcusable for a fifth year senior. Especially when you are being guarded by McQuaid and Ahrens (no clue what his first name is) the entire game. Two slow, un-athletic white guys (7)… But you know what they have that the majority of the players on Michigan don’t? Grit and balls the size of basket…balls.
7. Call me a racist, but we are all thinking it. I mean, Raftery and Grant Hill had an aneurism every time Iggy (white) grabbed a rebound. “He’s sneaky athletic, Coach!” -Grant Hill. (Also, I’m not going to lie, I love how Grant Hill refers to Raftery as “Coach”.
As for the rest of Michigan’s team, they all stunk.
- Poole was casting shots all game and if he doesn’t make two threes in garbage time, he finishes with nine points.
- Teske was fine, but you also have to take into account that for portions of the game, Thomas Kithier was guarding him.
- Eli Brooks shot two too many threes. (8)
8. If you’re number #55, I don’t care if you are Steph Curry, you don’t shoot threes.
I would like to blame Michigan’s lack of heart as the reason for why they played so poorly, but in actuality, it was the basketball god’s doing. For some reason, we decided that we were going to spit in the faces of the basketball gods, and wear pink shoes. As a guy who likes boobs (9), I am fine with supporting breast cancer, but you can’t mess with superstitions. Eli Brooks (#55) normally rocks the pink shoes, and since he started doing so, Michigan hadn’t lost at home, but because of everyone else wearing pink, he decided to wear white shoes. I truly believe that this is the reason we lost, not because of MSU’s pace or Cassius Winston’s play, but because we decided to wear pink shoes.
Not only should we be mad at the basketball gods, but Larry Brown also played a hand in Sunday’s ass kicking. McQuaid was going to go to his hometown school, SMU, until Brown was fired for paying players, then he decided to take his talents to East Lansing. It’s because of Brown, that I even know who McQuaid is and that cannot go unnoticed. (10)
9. I Would love to play with some one day! 10. Also, it’s because of Brown’s coaching style that we lost in the 2004 Olympics, so just f*** that guy all around. I don’t care what he did for the Detroit Pistons.
It’s because of this chain of events, that I now have to see this bullshit all over my twitter timeline.
Burn couches… Burn down Lou Ha’s (11), Harper’s, and Rick’s because you deserve it, State fans.
As for Michigan, I hope that the cesspool, water-all-over-the-floor, disgusting basement that you call Rick’s is a complete Ghost Town for the next two weeks, until Michigan plays MSU again… And if we lose that one…
Is Beilein on the hot seat?
11. Lou Ha’s is the most overrated and cramped bar in the entire world, but you bet your ass it’s going to be LIT 🔥 🔥 🔥 this weekend.