Adam Levine & Maroon 5’s SB 53 Halftime Show will be the most Magnificent, Beautiful, Breathtaking, Sexy (Wet?) Halftime Show of ALL TIME.

Photo of Maroon 5 at SB 53 Halftime Show Rehearsal.

Hey YOU! Yeah, YOU! Shut the hell up about how “lame”, “horrible”, and “white” it is to have Adam Levine & Maroon 5 perform at the Super Bowl 53 Halftime Show. I don’t give a shit if it’s in Atlanta (“the home of hip-hop”)! Maroon 5 has more hits than Usher (pronounced Ersher), Migos, or any other rapper from Atlanta has combined! They have earned this moment and they are going to SILENCE (🤫) all of the internet trolls who have dared speak out against them the past few months.

Speaking of which, I can’t stand the “it’s cool to hate on every performance” crowd that comes out of the woodworks for every televised concert. We have seen it with Imagine Dragons, Kendrick Lamar, Lil Wayne, Fergie, and Justin Timberlake. Okay, Fergie’s National Anthem performance at the NBA All Star Game deserved it, but all of the others, especially JT’s SB 52 show, were not as bad as everyone on Twitter led you to believe.

People have already decided that this year’s halftime show is going to suck, just because of what? Because Maroon 5 isn’t from Atlanta? Who gives a shit? I know I don’t. And I know Chad from the suburbs doesn’t care about hip-hop culture either. He just think it makes him “cultured” or some shit. Face it, the real reason you don’t like Maroon 5 is because your “girl” starts getting wet at the thought of Adam Levine in a leather jacket (+160 prop bet). That’s half of it. The other reason is you can’t stand the way Adam makes you feel, whenever he sings or unleashes one of his sexy dance moves… It makes you question your own sexuality. Do I like guys now?* Would I be able to resist an Adam Levine kiss? What if he was persistent?

*Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course. And I’m not going to lie, if Adam started serenading me with lyrics from “Moves Like Jagger”, I’d probably give in.*

Simply put, if you have already “punted” (hehe, get it? It’s a football pun!) on the Maroon 5 halftime show, I beg you to go into this year’s halftime show with an open mind… Because if you do, it will be the experience of a lifetime.*

*Well, only if they follow my meticulously planned out track list, exactly as I have it “mapped” (did you catch that pun? Maroon 5 has a song called “Maps”, get it? “mapped”/”Maps”?) out below.

Not one of my favorites if I’m being honest. But regardless, the joke/pun landed.

Okay, close your eyes and picture this… Maybe this goes without saying, but don’t actually close your eyes, because then you wouldn’t be able to read. Just figuratively close your eyes and imagine all of the lights being turned out in Mercedes Benz Stadium…

The spotlight shines on the stage and reveals a white curtain forming a square on stage. We don’t know what’s behind it, we can only guess that Maroon 5 is behind the curtains. Then after about 30 seconds of letting the tension build… the curtain drops and Levine starts singing the chorus to “Sugar”… “Sug-ar, yes please! Come and pour it down on me!” Adam is looking dapper as hell in a tux and the crowd inside the stadium erupts.

The viewers at home are kneeling at the altar of “Levine” and looks of “😮” & “🤤” are on their face as they try to explain that it’s the “pattern on the pants”.

*Quick side note on this video below*

*Do we actually think this video is real? How could the bride and groom not realize something was up when they constructed a giant box in the middle of their wedding? Or the fact that there are huge, professional cameras everywhere? I don’t know, ignorance is bliss and I’m just going to assume it’s real because it’s an awesome video. — But can you imagine if they tried pulling this stunt at a hardcore gangster’s wedding in the middle of the hood? Maroon 5 might have been killed.

Okay, where were we? Oh, right… The halftime show.

Once “Sugar” ends, Maroon 5 segues into “Don’t Want to Know” while wearing these costumes (after a quick wardrobe change) and Kendrick Lamar joins them on stage to sing his verse on the song.

You honestly don’t think this guy can fuck your girl when he’s wearing this shit? Forget about it.

Once Kendrick wraps up and Travis Scott has his two minutes in the spotlight (you’re welcome, rap culture), Maroon 5 then goes into a 5-song-fire-mix-that-melts-your-face-off-and-leaves-your-penis-raw featuring: “Wait“, “Girls Like You” (With the spinning stage and Cardi B), “She Will Be Loved“, “What Lovers Do“, and then they begin to play “Misery“.

But as soon as they reach the stripped down portion of the song (video below), they turn down the lights and all you see is Levine belting out the lyrics – “Why do you do what you do to me yeah?… Why won’t you answer me, answer me, yeah?… Why do you do what you do to me yeah?… Why won’t you answer me, answer me, YEAHHH!”

Start at 2:13.

But we reach the climax of the performance as soon asAdam sings “YEAHH!” and the bass drops. When that happens, the lights will come on and people dressed in SpongeBob costumes will join Maroon 5 on the stage to sing “Sweet Victory” in honor of Stephen Hillenburg (SpongeBob Creator who died this past year).

From the episode: “Band Geeks”

Don’t think this is possible? Think again, Maroon 5 has already hinted at such 👀. Listen, whether or not you are fan* of SpongeBob, you have to be able to appreciate the creativity and humor of Stephen Hillenburg… And to be honest, “Sweet Victory” is a low-key banger.

*If you don’t like SpongeBob, fuck you. Sincerely.*

As the lights start to fall and the song draws to a close … The viewers at home will realize they just witnessed the best 15 minutes in music and television history. As for the people inside the Mercedes Benz Stadium who watched this masterpiece in person? There won’t be a single pair of dry eyes… or panties in the entire place. Bill Belichick included.

I just realized this is a picture of Bill and his daughter… WTF!?!?!?! 🤢.

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